Spinny’s Guide to Surviving ChristmasPosted: December 25, 2011
The imagery, the financial pressure and the general state of being alone on this most family-centric holiday, can be tough to take. I can’t even go on Facebook right now and read the status updates. Well I can but it induces ‘festive tourettes’, so I have to make sure I do it in private.
Here are ten ways to survive the holiday season as a lonesome dove:
Use the festive beer goggles (ie drunken state of your fellow party-goers) to your advantage. Get laid.
Avoid Christmas entirely. Don’t plan to get out of bed til New Year (with or without the hottie you just pulled – see above).
Own your single status, and focus on the positives; you answer to no-one, and conversely, no-one expects anything from you. You have a freedom that many other over-worked wives, mothers and partners crave. Enjoy it.
But don’t be alone at peak ‘why me?’ hours, ie Christmas eve, Christmas morning, New Years Eve – this only makes things seem so much worse.
Be equal parts charming, inappropriate and embarrassing at family functions. This will confuse everyone into forgetting to ask you about whether or not you regret not having children.
Along the same lines, it’s good to remember that histrionics are a vital tool in a spinsters armory. If they do ask you the ‘child’ question, fall to your knees, burst into tears and start wailing until your throat bleeds.
Find a couple who are arguing (the smugger the better), smile at them in a pitying kind of way, and then thank the heavens you don’t have to put up with that shit.
Work out what you’d have spent buying a husband and 2.4 children gifts, then blow the lot on yourself in the sales.
Keep a bottle of Baileys near AT ALL TIMES.
Finally, thank your lucky stars to be where you are. Write down your goals for the New Year, immediately throw them away, and get on with living your life.