An open letter to new Hollywood spinster, Charlize TheronPosted: June 29, 2011
She’s 35, beautiful, Oscar-winning and with legs to die for. But she can’t get a man.
Hollywood Spinster does the decent thing and gives Charlize Theron a warm welcome.
“Welcome to Spinsterhood Charlize Theron, you’ll find it’s rather crowded on this shelf. Also, those long legs mean nothing up here. We all have legs. And don’t try to pull any of your movie-star BS. We don’t have time for that either, we’re too busy waxing our moustaches, and crying over old photo albums.
“Pull up a chair, have a cup of tea. Here, try knitting some socks. It’ll take your mind off thinking back to where it all went wrong. Nine years with that actor guy, eh? Hmm, that sounds like it could have been a huge mistake. But hey, we all make them. Look along the shelf here. We’ve all spent way too long with the wrong guys.
“What? It’s quiet here? Well that’s because there are no children. We like to live peaceful lives, full of lie-ins, impromptu weekends away and no video games. We like to ride our bicycles around the village. Bake. Read. Cry into bunches of roses. But mostly we love to discuss the ‘what if?’
“That’s a big topic around here. We don’t want to know about your next movie or how much money you make. Money can’t keep you warm at night. Well, only if you set fire to it.
‘Is that a natural hair colour by the way? You’re probably starting to go grey. It’s ok, you can tell us, you’re in a safe place now. Just hold on tight and don’t try to jump off the shelf. You need written permission for that.
“Oh, it’s not that we don’t want you to leave. We actively encourage spinsters to find new and exciting lives with men who love and cherish them. But we know how hard it is out there, and so we always provide spinsters-to-go with a ‘leaving package’.
“It includes one large safety net, lots of resolve, a case of red flags, a bag of hope and the knowledge that you’re not alone.
“So, ladies, and er, ladies, please welcome our new friend, Charlize.
Now, where did we put those cupcakes?”