Mound of HeinousPosted: April 19, 2011
I don’t watch a lot of porn but the porn I have seen features tiny women whose lady bits are smooth mini triangles, with skin that’s pulled tighter than Fergie’s face when she’s wearing one of those nasty pony-tails.
I’ll be honest, my precious va-jay-jay has never looked one of those over-wrought porn vaginas.
I reckon it’s fairly average, and probably quite nice in its own way – although I’ve never had the woman giving me a Brazilian wax tell me my muftie was ‘pretty’, which is what happened to a friend of mine.
But here’s the thing. As you get older, your cave of wonders changes.
And no-one warns you that it’s going to happen. No-one.
Ack, the agony doesn’t stop there. Not only does your Trader Joanne get fatter, your pubic hair also thins (especially if you wax regularly), and then eventually turns white.
I first noticed this heinous change a couple of weeks ago when I turned sideways in the full-length mirror that’s propped against the wall in my hallway. There it was, sitting at the top of my thigh, a pronounced spongy bump. A chubby, permanent, camel-toed interloper featuring a camel with one very large hump.
So here’s the thing. How the hell do you slim down a spinster’s bean box?
Because if I don’t do something, it’s going to be a case of ‘Hello Kitty!’ every time I leave the house.
It’s bad enough that age HAPPENS. But this sagging V for vendetta feels like a cruel joke, and I must do something.
I may be 42 but I’m not quite ready to leave it to beaver.