Mound of Heinous

Warning: This blog post features a lot of slang words for vagina. I make no apology for the ones I made up. I’m a spinster. I can do what the hell I like.

I don’t watch a lot of porn but the porn I have seen features tiny women whose lady bits are smooth mini triangles, with skin that’s pulled tighter than Fergie’s face when she’s wearing one of those nasty pony-tails.

I’ll be honest, my precious va-jay-jay has never looked one of those over-wrought porn vaginas.

I reckon it’s fairly average, and probably quite nice in its own way – although I’ve never had the woman giving me a Brazilian wax tell me my muftie was ‘pretty’, which is what happened to a friend of mine.

But here’s the thing. As you get older, your cave of wonders changes.

And no-one warns you that it’s going to happen. No-one.

Ack, the agony  doesn’t stop there. Not only does your Trader Joanne get fatter, your pubic hair also thins (especially if you wax regularly), and then eventually turns white.

I first noticed this heinous change a couple of weeks ago when I turned sideways in the full-length mirror that’s propped against the wall in my hallway. There it was, sitting at the top of my thigh, a pronounced spongy bump. A chubby, permanent, camel-toed interloper featuring a camel with one very large hump.

So here’s the thing. How the hell do you slim down a spinster’s bean box?


Because if I don’t do something, it’s going to be a case of ‘Hello Kitty!’ every time I leave the house.

It’s bad enough that age HAPPENS. But this sagging V for vendetta feels like a cruel joke, and I must do something.

I may be 42 but I’m not quite ready to leave it to beaver.


7 Comments on “Mound of Heinous”

  1. @ByronDesignProd says:

    Spinny think too much. I’m a guy. All I heard was; “Blah blah blah vagina. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah vaginas”

  2. Spinny is female writer living in Hollywood. Spinny thinks about this stuff A LOT. Vagina.

  3. melissa says:

    yeah. i think that the perceptions of negative change are mostly within your own head. the early 40s are rough on us dames. but our number ain’t up yet. the vag you describe is one of a 60 year old; i think you are just being a little hard on yourself.

  4. The body changes dramatically after 40, and I really am only writing about what I see in front of me.

    But I had breakfast last week with a friend I was at school with and told her that I was planning to write a blog post called Fat Vagina.

    I explained to her why, and she screamed, ‘That’s happening to me too!’

    Then we both howled with laughter, ordered pancakes and felt a whole lot better for sharing!

  5. melissa says:

    well now i’m paranoid that i have a fat vagina and i don’t know it. i’m going to have to check.

  6. It totally sneaks up on you 🙂

  7. melissa says:

    so far — no fat beaver. i’ll be on the perpetual lookout now.

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