Cliche alert! The cold dead of night.

I woke up last night around 4am, and lay in bed listening to my cat snoring. I think she has a respiratory problem but I digress.

If ever there’s a time that I feel alone it’s when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Because then IT happens.

The ‘bad’ thoughts start flooding my brain. All those unspoken fears about dying alone, living alone or worse, never being loved, crowd into my mind. My over-active mind that is now encased in an ever more wrinkled head. I’m like a sentient pre-packed ham.

Today is my ex’s birthday. In my head he’s spending it with the girl he became infatuated with while we were together. It might be true, it might not. What galls me more than his infatuation still, is her youth. Her vile, insulting twenty-something-ness. I can’t compete with that. Why do I even think about it? Not sure.

When I was growing up, a programme called ‘thirtysomething’ was on television. I thought that being older was glamorous, heady and fulfilling. Women seemed strong and independent – especially the one with the red hair and dungarees. I wanted that life.

Well I did my thirties, and now I’m nestled in early forty-something world, I can tell you this: being a grown up is hard and scary. Especially at 4am.

So tonight I will venture out into Hollywood, probably with another friend who’s  just been through a break-up. She’s younger – everyone is – but we’ll slap on the make-up, and go make small talk with a room full of annoying, ego-fuelled wannabe directors, producers and actors.

My ex will be somewhere, doing something. Or maybe nothing at all. I will try to push it out of my head.

But suppose I wake up with a start again at 4am tomorrow? What will happen then?


3 Comments on “Cliche alert! The cold dead of night.”

  1. Christine says:

    My ex is engaged to the woman who was a problem when we were together. I’m okay with it, because she really is a better match for him & now she can put up with his “quirks.” It’s still not easy some days though. I spent my 30’s alone & bitter. I’m spending my 40’s independent & loving it. I find being over 40 liberating. You know who you are and what you want and you don’t have to listen to anyone who wants to tell you different. Embrace being 40 and Fabulous!

    • You are SO right on so many things here. (In fact, I think I feel another blog entry coming on!) There definitely are days when I feel 40 and fabulous, and that the world is still mine to conquer. When I feel liberated, and happy not to be trapped in one of those horrible relationships where ‘compromise’ comes before ‘I love you’. But those silent 4am moments still have the ability to shake me to my core. They feel damaging. Even if I go back to sleep, the echo of that fear seems to be there when I wake up. I find having a packed schedule and exercise a good tonic. Bitterness is a road I do not want to travel down. That way lies a wasted life! Thanks for your comments – they made me smile!

  2. Matt says:

    You’ve got me waiting for more posts! I love your metaphors 🙂

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